Angelique's blog

Family Day

The "busy season" is upon us.  Gus is working 6 days a week, sometimes 12 hours a day.  I've got girls 4 days a week at varying hours, and then there's the boys.  It's hard to balance our obligations, chores, desired activities, play time, and enough time to sleep.  Something Gus and I worked out a while ago was the need for him to have one complete weekend a month just for family.  No clients on that chosen Saturday, no big plans for Sunday afternoon.  Of course it would be wonderful to have time together like that every weekend, but life simply isn't like that.

We started our Saturday off by sleeping in to a ridiculously late hour - for us.  The boys got up sometime before we did, but occupied themselves quietly.  At 9 am they came and asked permission to watch or do something, I don't remember, and Gus was coherent enough to give a reasonable reply.  At 9:20 we got up, and as the coffee brewed I made a breakfast of eggs and ham and toast.  Eventually we were all cleaned up, dressed and ready to head out to the store to get what we would need for our hike up Multnomah Falls.  We got water and cucumbers and chips for the hike, and sandwiches and soda and strawberries for our picnic afterword.

Gus drove us east to the Columbia River Gorge and very soon we were travelling beside the mighty Columbia, with a railway on the other side of us.  The scenery became more lush and the hills grew as they marched into the distance, covered in various shades of green.  The sky was overcast, but we didn't care.  We had the boys turn off their electronics and look out the window.  We saw Osprey soaring above the trees, a pair of Bald Eagles playing around their enormous nest, and miles of beautiful trees in more shades of green that I can name.  The Columbia rolled on beside us, going the opposite direction we were.  As we looked up the side of the hill to our right we could see the guard rail of the Scenic Highway 30. 

Finally we arrived at the Falls.  We parked and climbed out and began our hike.  We walked to the base of the falls, where there's a gift shop and restaurant and an espresso bar.  Gus carried the backpack, I had Bailey's leash, and the boys walked along with us, looking at everything and gazing in wonder at the height of the falls and the way the water spray disappeared into the air.  Then we began our hike in earnest.  The trail was paved, making it easier to traverse, although where it was wet from the spray it was a little slippery.  We climbed up and up, higher and higher.  There were 11 switchbacks, and each section of trail became steeper.  There were a few times where I thought I was going to have to stop and let the guys go on ahead, but Gus was supportive and encouraging, allowing me to rest until I could continue.  Most of the time it was the need to catch my breath that slowed me down.  My legs were mostly willing, but my lungs weren't.  That's part of having asthma.  But we had so much fun looking at everything around us, old rock slides where the rocks were covered in beautiful green moss, trees hanging precariously onto the hillside, downed trees with roots in the air.  We saw chipmunks and birds and a banana slug.  And we looked at the plantlife, the trees that seemed to stretch right up to heaven, the amazing natural alcoves in the rocks where the boys made up stories of hiding and camping.  As we reached the apex of the trail we could hear the powerful force of the water cascading down the cliff. 

When you reach the top of the trail it actually descends a little bit, and you are brought to the most incredible location.  The stream that feeds the falls runs fast and cold, skimming over rocks and boulders, becoming white and frothy as the water cascades by on it's course to succumb to gravity.  On the banks of the stream (riverlet?) are more boulders and rocks, shiny with mist and spray.  As you go a little ways from the stream you find a truly primeval forest, with earthen trails carved into the landscape.  Many of the trees are old and have died, becoming moss covered crags standing in the midst of the lush and verdant life as reminders of the mortality we all will face.  Andrew and I took pictures of the amazing nature around us.  The pictures on our hike up we nice, and we took pictures of each other and some of the scenery.  But the pictures we took at top were unbelievable.  Even though they were taken with cell phone cameras the pictures look professional because you truly can't take a bad picture there.

We stopped at a spot where two boulders sat side by side creating the perfect spot to rest and had a snack and gave Bailey some water.  We ran into friends and chatted and laughed, then continued to explore this remarkable forest. 

Then it was time to pack everything up and head back down the hill.  I'll tell you right now that down was tremendously easier than up!  When we reached the bottom of the trail, back at the gift shop and such, we headed back to the truck for our dinner of sandwiches and pizza Lunchables while sitting on the tailgate of the truck.  Then we loaded up and headed up the highway to the exit to get on scenic highway 30.  It was so lovely!  There weren't very many cars on the 2 lane highway that afternoon, and we drove along at a carefree speed just enjoying everything around us.  We drove by a huge house I spent some time in one summer years ago and as I watched the trees go by I enjoyed the memories of that time.

We arrived at Crown Point and the Vista House.  There were pay-telescopes along the edge of the pedestrian area, and of course the boys wanted to try them out.  It was a day for adventure and appreciating nature after all.  But, the telescopes were permanently positioned for people much taller than the boys.  So, Gus got on all fours and Matthew climbed up onto his back and knelt so he could see, we put quarters in the device and Matthew got to look down the valley carved by the Columbia, the green hills marching along its banks, fading into the distant mist.  When it was Andrew's turn Gus squatted into a sitting-like position and Andrew stood on his thighs so that he, too, could better see what was before us.  As he was looking he saw a train in the distance, snaking its way along the tracks on the Washington side. 

And then we all piled back into the truck, turned up the heater, and headed back home.  Gus and I talked about what we saw, trying to identify the delicate flowers and the creeping greenery that neither of us had ever seen before.  The boys played their handheld games and looked out the window periodically to see the landscape change from wilderness to urban.  Bailey sat on the front console trying to find a comfortable position to take a nap, he's not used to that much exercise either!!

When we arrived home everybody got baths, including the dog!  And that night we all slept well, thoroughly exhausted from our excursion.

I wonder what we'll do next month?

Pondering

So, after 5 months of talking to people at the medical financial office, faxing various documentation, having letters submitted from my doctor, twice, I was still in limbo as the ever mysterious "They" decided whether I was worthy of financial assistance.  Then the medical office called one morning while Gus was still home and he talked with them.  Gus and I have an interesting system going, kind of an unspoken yet well coordinated ballet of good guy/bad guy with collection agencies, customer service personnel, and general assorted bureaucratic nimrods.  I have been dealing with this particular medical office exclusively, so when Gus took the call this was the first time they had dealt with him.  The result of his conversation?  Everything is now all in order, I've been approved and have now shot forward in the diagnostic process and have my MRI scheduled.  I'm of two minds on this topic at the moment.  On the one hand, I'm thrilled that everything is settled and I can move forward now.  On the other hand, I'm quite pissed that it took my husband talking to these ladies (I never once spoke with a man at their offices) to actually accomplish something.  I was always honest, congenial, forthcoming and direct with them.  So...why couldn't they fix all this 4 months ago?  Ugh.

I've seen many MRI images used in diagnosis and for research, but I've never been the patient inside the tube.  I really didn't think much of the whole procedure...until I called to schedule mine.  The nice lady on the phone was asking me questions and letting me know what I needed to NOT wear, including my nose-piercing.  Seems the surgical steel jewelry in my nostril would cause arc-ing in that area...which would kinda defeat the purpose of the scan of my brain!  Okay...I can accommodate that.  And no earrings.  And no underwire bra.  And no snaps or rivets, or metal grommets on any of my clothing.   Same for Gus if he's going to be in the room with me.  Then she asked if I have claustrophobia.  Um...I don't know.  I've never been in a situation where I've had that feeling, but I've never been in a giant tube for 2 hours either.  So we discussed that I may want to take a Lorazepam (or two) before the scan...in which case Gus absolutely has to come with me as they wouldn't let me drive home while medicated!

The MRI results will be used to confirm the diagnosis of MS, and allow the commencement of a treatment plan.  MS is visible in MRI scans as lesions in the brain and/or on the spinal column.  The whole disease is shrouded in a lot of mystery and confusion.  There is no known cause, there is no cure.  I've dealt with symptoms for a  year and a half now, and they're getting worse.  What started out as numbness in my right arm, both feet and right leg has progressed and migrated.  I now have persistent weakness in my hands, persistent numbness in my right arm, recurring pain in my knees, and terrible tummy junk.  Sucks!  There's so much crap!  And when the pain comes, which thank heaven's isn't often, it hurts so bad!  And there's nothing that I can take to alleviate the pain because it's not muscular, it's nerve pain.  The destruction of the brain and spinal cord cause the messages between the nerves to be confused and jumbled or just plain never received.  And this results in a person's body going haywire.  Lovely, huh?

Most days are okay.  Some days are picture perfect and I revel in them.  On those days I can actually forget that my hands don't usually work quite right or that my arm is temperamental or that my knees feel like they're 30 years older than the rest of me.  You know what's funny about those days?  I usually go about my usual routine and don't realize that my body is fully functioning until about 3 in the afternoon.  And when I do realize it, I say a little thank-you prayer, and do everything I possibly can.  Perhaps it's fatalist, but on those days I know that they are gifts, and they won't last long.  The norm is numbness and discomfort.  I can deal with that.  I can still do pretty much everything I could want to...maybe just a little slower or just with some serious determination and abject decision that I won't let it stop me.  And then there are days where I spend most of my time at least semi-horizontal.

The other day Andrew and I were having some play time with his lizard, Sweetie.  She is so cool!!  As we were on the floor with her my ankle decided to stop working and I winced with pain and had to readjust my leg and my position so the hurt would be eased.  I really do make sure not to say stuff about all this around the kids.  I want their childhood to be as full and normal as possible.  They know that Momma has MS, they know I'm bipolar, they know about the anxiety.  But I don't talk about it.  So when I winced and readjusted Andrew reached out and patted my "good" leg and said, "You know, the good thing about heaven is there's no pain there."  Yeah...I know...and honestly that is something I look forward to; no more pills, no more skin issues, no more allergies and asthma, no more pain and numbness... it will be a place of total restoration.  But I'm in no rush to get there, I'm not done here yet!!  My boys bring me happiness, they bring me smiles, and their voices and laughter and giggles make my world as beautiful as it is.  Andrew is so...I don't even know how to describe him, he's such an original!  Matthew is so precious, so funny, so tender, so loving.  He's going to grow up and be a wonderful husband and father one day.  Some parents try to have their children think that the child owes the parents everything just because the parents brought them into this world.  I want my boys to respect me because I'm their mom, but I know that I wouldn't be the person I am without them, and I treasure them as gifts.  Each night I tell my boys that I love them as well as a few of the things that make them so special.  What a great way to end the day, to be affirmed by your mom.  I figure it's something I wish I could have had, so I'll make sure my boys have it, and they in turn can share with their children why they are wonderful!

Arrrgh...

Why? Why? WHY?  Why are soo many Christians so condemning, judgemental and full of preconceived notions?  Oh, it is so frustrating!!  Didn't Jesus tell us to love our neighbor  Doesn't it say in the New Testament that they'll "know you're Christians by your love?"  What has happened?  You're right, there are things the Bible says are "no-no's", but are we supposed to judge people because they've made mistakes or they have an illness?  I'm not saying let murderers go free.  If you've done something illegal, you need to face the consequences.  But when the person has paid their dues, why are they still treated like they carry the plague?  Or what about homeless people?  Or those suffering addiction?  Or those trying to cope with a mind clouded with illness?  Where is the compassion for them?  Can you, anyone, tell me why we as a people will spend billions of dollars to watch people play sports (key word - play), yet we turn our backs on those who desperately need help.  Why should some guy who can play a sport get millions each year for running around and I go downtown and see people who've lost everything huddling around what few possessions they have left while trying to figure out if they will eat today.  WTF...something is wrong.  And it's not a problem for the Republicans or Democrats or the President or whomever.  It's a problem for all of us.  If enough people spoke out, began a movement and were truthful about the plight of so many, maybe there would be a change.

A friend of mine posted something on his Facebook page about supporting Mental Health Awareness, and one of his friends posted something to which I could completely relate.  He commented on the difficulty of suffering from a mental illness in the Christian church community.  So many, so dang many, keep saying things like, "Just pray", or "God will heal you", or the occasional "You need to have more faith, then you'll be healed".  Argh!  It doesn't work that way!!  I'm not saying there is no divine healing, there is and I have experienced it.  But God isn't just there to take personal direction.  He has a greater plan that we have no way of comprehending, and it's not necessarily part of his plan to ease your suffering or remove your medical malady.  If God healed everyone that was prayed for then I know a lot of people who would still be with us. I think that there is a time to pray for healing and then there's a time to pray for pain to be eased and for the Lord to take them home.  I believe so often we pray for the healing of others because we can't accept that we will lose them so we try to put those thoughts off with this much nicer idea.  But that's another article.

If Jesus himself told us to love our neighbors, do you think he meant it conditionally?  I don't have that version of the Bible if he did.  My copies of the Bible are full of him teaching people how to live in the world but not of it.  He taught them that it wasn't their job to judge (remember how much he liked the Pharisees?) but rather to live as an example to them. 

It is stated in the Bible that God's not a fan of homosexuality.  Does that really mean that now we all have the green light to be rude to, mean to, discriminatory or to persecute homosexuals?  Um, NO.  We have to be responsible for our own lives, and how we raise our children.  And, last time I checked, Jesus was the only perfect human and he told us to love them. 

The concept of homosexual marriage is a loaded one.  If you look at it from a religious perspective, then technically shouldn't anyone who is married by someone who is not a religiously ordained person have that marriage be nullified?  Or what about those who go into marriage with the knowledge they won't be having children?  Do their marriages still count?  And what about marriages performed by those of religions who don't recognize God?  Do they still have legal and binding marriages?  I think first we need to agree on the purpose of marriage before we decide who can and get be married. 

Yet, when all is said and done the root of the problem still remains: there are people out there loudly announcing that they are Christians while spewing hate and condemnation in the same breath.  It's not okay.  If someone is a Christ follower then they need to follow all of his teachings, not just the ones they want to.

Wanting to hope

I think it's safe to say we all know that I've been through a lot in my 36 years of life.  Some of the stuff I've been through makes it hard to trust, especially someone in authority.  Fortunately I've pretty much gotten rid of all "authority" figures in my life.  No...I'm not writing this from prison!  I mean as a grown woman with my own family I really don't have to "answer to" my parents any more, and I'm not employed so I don't have a boss.  I view my husband as my partner, and the moms of my childcare girls are my friends.  So, that just leaves the generic ones like law enforcement, and the Big One...  I am really not good at trusting God with important things.  I suppose it's because I really don't appreciate how He's chosen to handle things thus far, so why would I think He'd handle them or arrange them or whatever them in a way I'd like now or in the future? 

Don't get me wrong, I know that in His wisdom He arranges things the way He knows will work to His glory and for our best (yeah, I do think it's in that order).  I didn't ask to be flat broke the majority of my adult life.  I've gone to school, I've had some good careers, and I'm married to a smart, intelligent, capable and resourceful man.  But here we are.  I certainly never would have asked for or even agreed to have a mental disorder, but I have a doozy of a disease that can incapacitate without proper medication.  And, do you know anyone who would say, "Ya know Lord, I'd like a disease that slowly debilitates my body rendering my limbs and potentially my eyes useless, with lots of discomfort and spasms and pain"?  Ummm, yeah, I didn't think so.  We live in a very nice apartment with a garage in a nice part of town.  It would be a lot nicer if we had a house...but my home is comfortable for me and my needs.  Growing boys do need more room, and my husband is a lover of big open spaces, and it would be nice for guests to sleep in a room with a bed rather than the futon couch in the living room.

There is a house that is for sale that is amazing, beautiful and I wouldn't have to change the interior much, if at all.  It's an old house, 100 years old, that has been well maintained and loved and cared for.  It's remodeled and amazing.  It's also on a big piece of land that could very easily be rated for a vineyard.  I want to run and jump and hoot and holler and tell you everything that's amazing about it, that makes it perfect, but that's not the point of this time here.  The point is: how do I step out and hope that we could possibly get it??  See, I don't ever hope for anything anymore because it hurts when your hopes and desires and dreams are dashed.  How do you come to terms with that?  Gus asked me a while ago what goals I had.  Goals?  Are you nuts?  So many of the the things I have wanted were taken away, the things I deserved were denied, and now I'm just happy when I can actually hold a pencil.  My dreams of a house, of breeding beautiful dogs, having a house full of kids and music, a kitchen big enough for everyone to be in at once, a bay window seat with big pillows to read books in the sunlight, a grand staircase with a bannister the kids can actually slide down and a beautiful yard, bunny hutches and a big veggie garden...I'm afraid to actually embrace that dream because what if it doesn't happen...again. 

I suppose a big part of it is that I am a passionate person.  When I have a dream I embrace it and cherish it and I can't help but really WANT it.  It is my dream to get to Paris, France, one day.  I don't know how I'll do it, or when, but I figure that even if I'm an old lady and have to be pushed in a wheelchair, as long as I'm there I'll be happy.  But with the house and the yard it's different.  I want that for me, yes, but I also want it for my boys and for Gus.  It's not just what would be nice for me that's on the line, it's my family.  And that makes it so much more important, and so much harder when it doesn't work out.  I become indignant.  I feel like it's one thing if I can't have something, I'll pout and whine and get over it and "oh well".  But it's another thing if you deny my boys what they deserve.  Then I get bitter.  I see no reason at all to deny them the experience of financial stability and a comfortable home and a yard to run around in.  Kids deserve this!!  I am aware I'm not the only mom to have these feelings and desires for her family, nor will I be the only mom who deals with the frustration of not being able to give those things to her kids.  But that doesn't make it any easier to struggle through!

How does one do it?  How does one look to heaven and simply say, "I trust you.  It's in your hands" and then actually let the stress go?  I can say the words and I can want it to be that way...but it doesn't mean it actually is that way, you know?  I want to hope, I want to dream, but... I have fear.  I have a nagging fear that for whatever reason I'll always be denied my beautiful house and my financial security.  :-(  I haven't gotten it yet and SO many of my contemporaries have.  (Please refer to previous blog at this point, even though I'm the one doing what I say we shouldn't.  I'm human...) 

I do struggle with feelings of inadequacy and bitterness and I trudge my weary self through the valley of "why" quite often.  I try not to, I try to stay focused on the good, the blessings, the positive, and I really do try to trust in Him.... but.  There's always a "but", isn't there?  So, do I ask my friends for prayers to be able to get the home and everything it brings?  Or do I ask my friends for emotional numbness when it falls through?  Or do I ask for the strength to hold onto hope in the face of fearing it will never happen? Ugg. 

I think I'll go take a nap.

Blessings

Oh goodness!!  There is and has been so much going on!  Some days I just want to step away, climb back into my bed and take a nap.  But that's not always an option now, is it?  Oh well.

Andrew has become part of a thing at school where the kids have daily goal sheets and progress trackers.  It has been really helpful for him, and for us, as we are better able to identify his triggers and also better able to motivate and reward him.  Andrew and I have also been able to come to a better understanding of each other as we all help him succeed.  He was going through a phase of exaggerating stories and making things up and also beginning to tell lies.  My history with lying is pretty extensive (when I was a kid) so it's almost impossible to pull one over on me.  So I let the little exaggerations go at first, but then I would simply say, "that doesn't sound right, why don't you try that again".  But then it got a little bigger...  Finally one day I took Andrew aside and explained to him that he was at a precipice and he could go one of two ways: either he could be a man of his word, a man of integrity who chose right over wrong and honesty over easy and live his life according to the Bible and as Jesus taught, or he could do what he wanted without regard for anyone around him and lose all trust from his friends and family.  I admitted that I can't make him do anything, but while he's living in our home I do have rules he has to follow.  And I told him it was his choice what direction he wanted to take, and left it at that.  I haven't brought it up again because I haven't needed to.  Matthew on the other hand has decided to try his hand at deceiving me.  Not a good idea.  i've had to resort to doing random pocket and bag checks in the morning.  The other day Matthew pulled a doozey and totally got caught (will they ever learn?) and lost some privileges for 2 days.  Maybe that will have sent in the message.

So, in my life I've dealt with a lot of crap.  And it really is easy to get sucked into the "poor me" way of thinking, or pulled into the emotional valley of "Why?!".  But I've discovered that it doesn't do any good to think like that.  Nothing gets accomplished, there's no healing or forward momentum, and people get sick of hearing it, too!  Oh, don't get me wrong, sometimes you just need to vent and be honest about the sucky situation you may be in, and that's when a good friend or an understanding spouse are invaluable!!  Sometimes at the end of the day when my body has given up and I'm tired of hurting and stress I just need to eject those grumpy feelings to someone who understands what they are.  Then I can push my shoulders back and look at life headlong and know I can keep going.  I've experienced the pit of depression where you feel as if you're at the bottom of a well and all of the joy in the world eludes you.  I know what it's like to have my entire sight misted over with a cloud of blackness that stains my heart.  I know what it's like to beg God to not have to wake up in the morning.  But I'm here because of my kids, specifically because of Andrew.  He was so young and my life was so torn apart, my mind was not my own and I couldn't keep anything together.  My marriage was a shambles and I was unable to reach out to friends because I didn't think anyone would understand.  What kept me breathing was Andrew.  His white blond hair, his amazing sweet voice, his golden eyes.  His strong will was my enemy and my gift.  Whenever I thought of ending my life to relieve myself of the pain of depression that I couldn't escape, I thought of that little boy a few feet away, and how would he soldier through life without me?  I knew that he needed me in a way I couldn't explain, I just knew it in my soul.  I knew that Andrew was a strong little person, but that he also needed his mother to love and protect and guide him.  I knew that without me that strength of character could so easily become a wall of bitterness and anger.  I was chosen to be his momma because God knew I would need Andrew as much as he needs me. 

Matthew was a gift of unconditional love and affection, which every girl needs!!  Andrew is very independent and as much as he does love his momma, and wants to hug and snuggle, he's got so much to do and think about that he only snuggles for so long before he's off to experiment and draw.  Matthew, on the other hand, is more than content to snuggle on a lap for a long time, reading books, watching shows or playing video games.  And at night he's happiest when he's had a cup of milk and can wrap his arm around my neck and tuck in next to me.  Oh, I'm sure eventually he'll outgrow that, but as I told him earlier I'm going to suck up each and every snuggle I can, absorbing it into my skin. 

My boys are truly treasures to me.  And when my days are all messed up, when I'm in pain or feeling not quite right, I look forward to being with my boys and enjoying the incredible people they are. 

I'm really fortunate in that I get to stay home with my boys, and enjoy my friend's girls and make a little money, too.  The girls are really neat kids and when all the kids are together it is noisy, but it's also usually fun, too.  And the little one has begun to really talk.  She has her own way of saying almost everyone's names that just make us smile.  It takes me back to when the boys were beginning to talk.  It's so cute how little ones figure out how to pronounce certain words.  For a long lime Charlie called me "Gigi", but has recently begun to refer to me as, "Ahs-a-geek".  I think I preferred "Gigi".  Gus is "Duss", Andrew is "Doo" and Matthew, well, she's not even trying that yet.  How awesome is it that my friend and I have an arrangement like this where I get to enjoy her girls and grocery money and dog grooming, and she knows that her girls are safe and cared for and having fun! 

All this to say, when things seem hard, almost impossible, it's so easy to become tunnel-visioned on our own misfortune.  But what about those around us?  Do you really know anyone who's been able to go through life unscathed?  I have friends who seem to have it "all", but in fact they do struggle with things, you just may not know it.  Do you have friends with a great job and a beautiful house and nice cars?  What you may not know is that their child is struggling medically or socially and they're trying to just live life and not draw attention to it.  Or maybe you have friends who have great professional jobs and big house, but what about the wife's emotional limitations?  What about the husband's relationship hang-ups with his parents?  How about the single friend who doesn't have any relationship attachments and all the freedom you used to?  What you may not know is they would give anything for a stable relationship and a mortgage payment and they're envying you.  What about your friend's mom who was just diagnosed with cancer?  Or your friend who just lost his grandmother?  Or the one with the crappy boss?  Everyone, everywhere has garbage in their lives.  And surprisingly, people who have so much more than we do are not immune to the same things we deal with. 

Whirlwind of a Day

The day started off at 6:50 am.  There was no school, and I turned of the boy's alarm clock the night before so they could sleep in a bit.  But the little buggers didn't sleep in at all...in fact they got up earlier than a regular school day!  Why do they do that?  Seriously, why do they drag their everything on school days when they need to get up and moving, but on weekends they are up at the crack of way-too-early!  Sheesh.  Yet, I have to admit, I remember getting up early on Saturday mornings, very early, and my parents asking the same thing of me.  Oh well.

Today was our first day with baby Faith.  Oh, what a sweet little dumpling she is!!  She's tiny, and when you hold her she smooshes into you, just right, and her head smells like delicate flowers and her eyes are amazing.  And for the most part she's very easy going and content...unless she's hungry or stinky.  Then she really lets you know that she has a need and you have to tend to it, after you figure out what need of hers needs to be met! 

When her daddy brought her this morning with all her various accessories, he was very organized in his way of showing me what everything was and how it worked.  I got the biggest kick out of that!  Such a good, protective daddy, making sure his baby princess will receive the utmost care.  But still, having had two of my own and cared for how many others in various settings... *sigh*, I smiled, nodded, and let him show me because he had to make sure he remembered everything and he wanted to be sure there were no possible questions that arose when it was just baby and me.  The pack-and-play was just like the last one I fought with (Faith's daddy had a better hang of the mechanics than her mommy and I), and the Snugli could have been the very one I used to put Andrew in.  Her car seat was identical to the ones the boys had, but her bouncy seat was the fancy kind with vibrations and music.  When they arrived this morning, Bailey went into his usual chorus, or rather cacophony, of barks to warn us of an interloper and when I opened the door to a strange man carrying very foreign, big things he was fit to be tied.  I put him on the balcony, which is "doggy time out".  The boys descended on Faith with coos and gentle strokes of her cheek.  We got out the big vat of hand sanitizer and I set the rule that before the kids touched her, they needed to wash their hands with soap and water, or use the sanitizer.  They were fanatical about that sanitizer.  After a while the other girls arrived and were immediately in love with the baby too.  But almost as soon as they walked in the door Andrew was there with the sanitizer for them!  It was so cute!  Usually, the big girls are great about where their coats and shoes go when they arrive (coats on hooks, shoes on rack), but with this tiny little person to become acquainted with, coats and shoes were strewn on the floor in the general sorta vicinity of their intended destination.  Coat, shmoat!  There's a BABY! 

I knew that the big kids, Andrew and Kylee, would be phenomenal helpers, and that Matthew and Dilynn would be able to help as well.  I was concerned that Charlie (almost 2 years) would not be happy to share my lap with the infant, but it turned out that she was amazing!!  When I gave the baby her bottle Faith had a hard time at first because I'm not who she wanted me to be.  I thought about doing what that old commercial did and printing out a life-size pic of her mommy's face and putting it over mine as a mask, but I think she would have known I wasn't the real deal when I spoke.  Oh well.

At lunch time everyone was hungry.  So Andrew and I took it in shifts to occupy Faith while I prepared her bottle and lunch for everyone else.  Then Matthew peeled the cucumbers, Andrew sliced them, Kylee and Andrew plated lunch, Dilynn set the table, and Charlie helped me give the baby some of her bottle.  We had popcorn chicken, seasoned French-fries, cucumbers and chocolate milk.  While we were eating, Charlie offered one of here cucumber slices to the baby!  After lunch the kids took their plates and cups to the sink and tucked in their chairs.  These kids were so incredibly helpful and responsible!  Have I been underestimating them all this time?  Or did they just kick it up a notch for the peace and quiet of a contented baby?  Either way, I am grateful for their teamwork today.  Amazing kids!!

Faith cat napped here and there, and she took two good naps, one of which was while in the Snugli.  It took me back to Andrew's infancy and allowed me to enjoy some of those same special, warm, snugly moments.  Charlie, on the other hand, had a much rougher time with naps.  Just when she was sound asleep, both times, she was awakened much too soon.  Andrew and I got Charlie's nap spot all set, and she climbed up her step-stool onto the bed and into her spot (she was really tired!), and we covered her, gave her the bear she loves to sleep with, and turned on her special sleepy-time music.  Then Andrew laid down with her, held her hand and smiled at her, as she fell asleep.  Unfortunately the poor little sweetheart didn't get to enjoy her slumber, and I really am sorry for her.  But, amazingly, incredibly, she wasn't fussy or demanding in spite of it. 

At one point I got a call from a friend of mine letting me know that her mother was very ill.  I don't want to say too much, I don't want to give away info that isn't mine to give, but suffice it to say this is a potentially bleak situation.  My friend's mom isn't particularly old, but her life hasn't been very easy on her.  Maybe no one's life is exactly easy...I don't know.  But I'm sad for my friend.  It hasn't really sunk in yet she said.  I can understand that.  I feel bad for my friend's mom, no one deserves what she's facing...ever.  I told Andrew a little of what was going on because he saw my reaction when I got the news and he was very concerned.  He asked what would happen to her.  How do you answer that while still holding onto hope, not scaring the child, and honoring your religion?  I told him that there's nothing we can do, that it's all God's plan.  I explained that if God wants my friend's mom in heaven now then we need to honor His will.  Yeah, it would be hard for us here because we would miss her, but if He needs her, then that's His plan and we'll support each other when we feel her absence the most.  But I also told him that God works in amazing and mysterious ways and if it's His will to heal her, if it's not her time to go be with Jesus yet, then of course we would rejoice and praise God for the miracle, and we would treasure our time with her that much more.  But I told him the most important thing to do is pray for God's will, and be here for our friends.  He understood.  If anything happens,... you know what?  I'm not going to say it.  I'm not going to put it out there.  Just, if you could, please pray for that family...

That's the circle of life, isn't it? Holding a 3 month old baby in y0ur arms and hearing of a grandmother's illness while the house is abuzz with kids and energy.  Our time here is brief.  I know, lots of cliches here, but they're said so often because they're true.  Love your family and friends, be kind to strangers, give from your heart without expectation, and be open to His will.  That's how you lead a full, successful life.  You can't take anything with you when you go, but hopefully you will meet those you loved in a place with golden streets when your time comes.

Perspective

As a family, we really are no different than most others.  Gus and I are parents who love our children, who are working almost every day a week to put food on the table and pay the bills.  Our boys are intelligent and beautiful, and dealing with their own growing pains.  We have "drama" between family members, we have fun with our friends.  We deal with a few "extra" things like my medical crap and how to grow Gus's business with the least capital possible. But I've come to understand that every family, of whatever configuration, deals with stuff that's not much different than all that.  When you're raised in an abusive environment your mind is so focused on self preservation that you often don't see outsiders as people dealing with anything of their own.  I remember a moment at the time when I was going through counseling a few years ago, addressing the PTSD.  I was driving down a busy road, a highway, and I looked over at the car beside mine and saw the driver.  And then I looked behind me and saw that driver, and over a few car-lengths to that driver.  All around me were people going down the same road I was... those people weren't all going to the same destination but they were all going the same direction.  And as I sat there in traffic I began to wonder what their lives were like.  How many of them were married, had children, were going to or from work at that strange hour, what kinds of jobs did they have?  And then I began to wonder about their lives, their personal lives.  How many on that stretch of road were dealing with mental illness, cancer, addiction or abuse?  How many were enjoying their youth and doing the things that only the young can?  How many...  At my next counseling meeting I told my counselor about this epiphany, and how it made me feel oddly connected to everyone else around me.  She was happy for me because that type of revelation indicates real growth.  I've never looked at people the same since.  It's always fun to "people watch" because let's face it, people are really strange creatures!  And some of the outfits people bedeck themselves in can be quite awe-inspiring, and photo worthy.  I've seen people at the fair (why is it always at the fair?) that appear to have climbed out of an 80's music video for Lynnard Skynnard, and it's 2011.  But I no longer look at them with disdain and think insults at them.  I become curious.  I wonder what happened in their life at that time that they can't move forward.  And I wonder why no one has said anything to them.  And I wonder how clothes that are 30 years old can still look that well-preserved while being obviously worn.  Should I ask them about their laundry detergent choice?  And then I move on, because that's what we do.  We look, we ponder for a moment, and then we go on to the next thing.

Whenever I feel pissy about my stuff, the medical crap, and I really try not to but sometimes it creeps up on me and I find myself feeling quite pathetic, I look at my little family.  Andrew is so smart, too smart sometimes, he's handsome, strong, clever, and loves me so much.  And I look at Matthew, so beautiful, so funny, such a character, full of energy and curiosity, my favorite cuddler.  And I think of Gus (he's usually at work so I can't look at him) and I think of how hard he works, his integrity, how much better he's doing now than when he was in an office, and all he does for those around him.  And I realize how blessed I am.  I have a very nice home, I have fantastic friends and food in my fridge.  Yeah, sometimes I hurt, my tummy gets all messed up, and my moods are still an undercurrent, but look at what I DO have!  When I hurt, I can rest.  When I feel like my moods are out of whack I can take a "time out" or a pill (depending on which direction things are going).  When my tummy is not good, well, thank heavens for indoor plumbing!  They're simple things, but they matter. 

I can't stand people sending me sunshine-flower-rose-petal sappy crap.  Ugg.  Life isn't a flower patch.  It's kind of more like an arduous fight with a blackberry thicket; you fight your way through, trying to avoid the scratches, you pull up or chop down wicked canes full of thorns and try not to get snagged.  But sometimes you do and you have to stop forward momentum to fix the snag, then go back to the fight.  But oddly enough the blackberries also provide amazing sweet fruit that doesn't grow anywhere else, that you wouldn't be able to enjoy if you weren't there, in the midst of the thicket.

I also can't stand it when people only post scripture verses on their Facebook walls as their sole form of communication.  I have a bible, I know what it says.  What I don't know is how you are doing.  Tell me that, tell me the rough stuff, the fun stuff, the sad stuff...all of it.  That's what makes Facebook awesome, when we use it to actually connect with our friends.  Don't just show me what you had for dinner.  Tell me the goofy thing on the radio that made you laugh.  Tell me about the commercial that made you tear up because it reminded you of someone who is now gone.  Tell me about your insane cat, or your lazy dog.  Tell me that you're overwhelmed and lonely and I'll write to you or call you and tell you that you aren't really alone.  Tell me that you're having a fantastic day and I'll send you smiles.  But I don't want to see another Proverb or Psalm.  It's not a "ministry", it's not an outreach.  It's a great way to repel people.  It's also a really good crutch to use to not actually get close to people and really help them.  Just sayin'.

I'll be curious to see how many "unfriend" me over this one.  I've been "unfriended" over much more trivial.  I have an opportunity to show a side of reality, honesty, that most people won't take advantage of for fear of offending.  Well, I'm not afraid.  If I offend you, talk to me about it and find out more about the situation, or just walk away.  Your choice.  It's a lot easier to just walk away and enjoy your self-pity and perceived injustice.  It's a lot harder to actually discuss it and learn more about what prompted the comment and the feelings underneath it.  Which will you do?

Andrew's broken wing

Well, I was hoping to avoid this stage of life for Andrew, but alas we have dived in head-first.  This year alone he has had several incidences with other students where there have been physical confrontations, verbal issues, and near-extortion.  But today...today takes the cake.  Andrew was openly defiant to his teacher, the office staff and the cafeteria helpers, refused to do what he was supposed to do, and  did whatever he wanted. 

The school counselor has called so often that I have a special ring-tone for him.  Today I was headed to meet Gus for some business stuff and as I was getting in the car, I heard that ring-tone.  I rolled my eyes and sighed as I reached for my phone.  And I told him that he's a nice man but I really don't like it when he calls.  Fortunately he knew I was kidding.  After talking with him I called Gus and told him that I needed him and his weight and position as Dad to put the fear of God in this kid and straighten him out.  I did that because if it were just up to me, I would have a long talk with him, about the same stuff Gus talked with him about, but it's never the same when Mom does it as when Dad does.  Dad is big, and strong, and has an authoritative deep voice.  I can yell, which is loud, and I could give a spanking...but really, where's the fear and intimidation in that?  I'm talking about using the techniques of Dad's size and commanding presence because I've been talking with Andrew, reasoning with him, and working with him and his counselor at school and his teacher and I have been working together with him in a very non-confrontational yet highly involved manner.  However, it appears that these tactics are not working so it is now time to bring in the big guns.

If I knew that my words would hold weight and have great impact, I would sit him down at tell him a few things.  I would start off with reiterating to him what his position in life is right now: child and student.  It is his job right now to learn, both in an institutional setting (school and church) and in a familial and interpersonal setting (home and playground).  He has to learn important things like math and writing and history and science in the classroom.  Outside the classroom he has to learn how to work with other people, where he fits in different groups, and how to play within different guidelines.  In both areas he needs to learn where he fits in the hierarchy of the different environments.  He needs to learn how to take direction from adults and peers, and he needs to learn how to speak up while still being respectful.

It seems as if each stage of development comes with it's own set of hurdles.  Toddlers try "no", pre-schoolers try pickiness, and elementary kids will eventually try defiance.  Why, oh why, do we have to do it that way?  It would be SO much easier if they just listened to my advice and skipped all the experimentation.  But that's not what kids do, is it?  No, they have to do it their own way, try it all themselves, and learn the hard way.  I know I did, so why would I expect any different from my kids?  Well, I didn't really expect different behavior, but I did hope. 

Andrew has lost many of his privileges, well I guess pretty much all of them: no DS, no wii, no computer, no phone, no outside play time, no play time when the girls are over.  He will do extra handwriting work, math work, and cleaning.  Some of you know I am not the most active house cleaner.  But, what you may not know is that when I do clean, I am meticulous and precise and I do things thoroughly.  So, as Andrew is cleaning I am showing him how with the same level of precision.  At this point I am with him, but he's doing the majority of the work.  We've told him it is a learn to earn situation now.  He has to meet certain expectations to earn each of his privileges back.  Now, he's not particularly happy about this, but I've explained that his own choices and actions and words have landed him where he is, and that now he has to work to get himself out.  I think that's more effective than an arbitrary time of grounding for two weeks or the like.  If he can get his act back in gear in 10 days, then cool for him.  If it takes two months, well, that sucks but he still has to do it.

He's also doing something else that is grating on my nerves...smarting off.  He smarted off to Gus at the bookstore and I was very impressed with how Gus handled it.  Andrew smarted off to me and I gave him a look that only a mother can and he apologized.  And last night he smarted off to Gus about something soo stupid and I do believe he'll never do that again.  Justice was swift on that one.  But, I would've done the same and was actually about to.  When Andrew does things like that I'm amazed.  We have never taught him that it is acceptable to talk to adults like that, we have never talked to him like that, or each other.  Where is he getting it?  Probably from his own nature, the ability to combine sarcasm, wit and snark.  Too dang smart for his own good.  Maybe he'll rein it in now.  Lord, for his sake I hope he does.

Andrew was upset, trying to deal with his consequences, and feeling a bit sorry for himself.  So I talked with him.  I gave him a hug and explained that what he had been doing, the way he had been treating adults, was not okay and this was his consequence.  I held him close, kissed his blond head, and told that I really don't like the things he's been doing, or the words he's been using, but that they don't define who he is, and that I love him.  And he looked up with those amazing eyes, I wiped his tears and asked if he understood the difference, and he said yes.  I kissed his forehead and we continued on to the next set of jobs at hand.

I haven't told Matthew what Andrew did.  He doesn't need to know the details and if he wants to know he can ask Andrew.  I have told Matthew that Andrew is in very big trouble and will be dealing with consequences.  I told Matthew to never smart off to a grown up, to do what he's told in school, and to be respectful.  I hope that's enough for now. We'll see, I guess.  I have no idea if this will be a situation Matthew goes through or not.  I never would have thought Andrew would when he was younger...you never know.

Budget and Go

Okay, I read and article today that made me think of a friend, that made me think that perhaps there are many out there who are struggling with something that I might be able to help with: stocking your pantry, freezer, fridge and laundry/cleaning room for dirt-stinkin' cheap.

Let's start with the food-stuffs.  I have a family of four, including two boys.  I also do childcare part time, and I have to feed those little muzzies, too.  Granted, they don't eat much, but they do eat.  In a typical week I need to feed 21 breakfasts, 14 lunches and 24 dinners at my home.  Here are my secrets:

Spend as close to $2 a box for cereal as possible.  I shop at WinCo, where they often have many yummy cereals for $1.98 each.  There are times where I'll go up to $2.48, but never any higher, and that includes those enormous bags of off-brand at the end of the isle.  Personally, I don't eat grown-up cereal.  It's boring.  I like Froot Loops and Honeycomb and that sort.  But, if you do prefer the "grown-up" stuff, learn to clip coupons and shop the sales at Safeway with their double coupon.  You can save up to a dollar a box, and if they're on sale for $3 per box, then you're right where you want to be.  Don't buy cereal at the dollar store, it's a rip off.  You only get like 7 ounces in a box.  But, at the dollar store, you can get cake mixes and the size they have is great for a single tray of mini-cupcakes.  But get the regular store size frosting, no need to skimp there.  Also, I buy a lot of frozen vegetables, store brand, and the Fred Meyer (Kroger affiliate) often has them 10/$10.  When I prepare my veggies, I steam the broccoli or cauliflower and serve with a good sprinkling of Cavender's Greek Seasoning or Penzey's Mural of Flavor.  I saute the green beans in a little butter and lots of garlic.  I usually sprinkle some dried mint on the peas and nuke those, and melt a little butter with them.  I hate carrots and really usually don't even eat the peas.  I prefer canned carrots and peas!  How bad is that!  Ah well, we all have our secret guilty pleasures!  I've found that the best deal for Brussels Sprouts is usually to get the frozen.  My boys LOVE those little things!  Asparagus is something we get once in a while, when it's in season, because it's just soo good.  It's worth a little extra once in a while for stuff like that.  We also really enjoy zucchini.  Sometimes I slice it thin, sometimes I quarter and dice it.  But I always saute two big or three medium zucchini in about 2 Tblsp of butter, sprinkle on a little salt, and a good sprinkling of garlic powder. 

A side note here: when I talk about seasonings and herbs, I mean exactly what I say.  Garlic powder is just that, not garlic salt or garlic blend.  It's garlic powder.  There are times where spice and herb blends are wonderful, but I don't mess with my garlic.  That's sacred to me. I use spices and seasonings because they taste good, they enhance your food, and it makes cooking more fun.  There are those who say spices and herbs cost so much.  Well, I'm sure I'll get it from my "Foodie" friends, but you can get a lot of good spices and seasonings from the dollar store, and especially from the "Hispanic" isle in the grocery store.  The spices are in plastic bags with paper labels on top and they're all bilingual.  You can get a bunch of Bay leaves (great for soup!) for $1.50, you can get great chili of varying degrees of hot-ness, cumin, coriander, basil, oregano, thyme and garlic for dirt cheap! 

We eat frozen boneless, skinless chicken breasts (I get a 4 lb bag for $6), pork tenderloins or family pack pork roasts, I buy 5 lb chubs of ground beef, usually the %20 variety.  I buy Hilshire turkey sausage when it's on sale, or Safeway's brand of gourmet chicken sausage.  We don't eat steak because it's expensive.  We don't eat unidentified sausage because it's nasty and greasy!  If there's oil floating on the water or coating the pan after I've cooked them, I won't eat them.  No one needs to ingest food that is that greasy!  For seafood we get tuna (that counts as seafood, right?) and I'll get a frozen bag of 10-12 fillets of talapia or white fish.  We love fish at our house!  We eat sushi when we go out for special occasions or we go to Red Lobster.  So when we have fish at home, it's a big deal.  I love to pan fry it or coat with Panko and herbs and broil.  Good herbs for milk white fish are thyme, lemon pepper, a little dill, a little salt, sometimes a spray of paprika.  You want your herbs to compliment, not overtake.  If I can get some, I buy the salmon spread at Fred Meyer ($2.50 for 6 ounces) and I make seafood fettuccine by mixing the salmon spread into the cream sauce.  Serve that with some garlic chicken and veggies, YUM!!  Big fancy dinner, super cheap! 

Fruit is wonderful!  I think we can all agree that it's yummy, nutritious and a great thing to be able to have around at all times.  But, for some of us, fruit is a luxury.  I can spend about $10 every two weeks on fruit.  So how do you get the most for your dollar?  Apples!  And I mean getting apples for about $0.98/lb.  and don't be fooled into getting the "schoolboy" apples, either, They're a rip-off.  I have a favorite store for my fruits: WinCo.  I can rely on any one of many varieties to be under a dollar a pound.  Pears are also good.  Bananas, it's tricky there.  I can only eat bananas when they're still a little green on the ends, once they get spots they become too sweet for me.  But, I'm finding that more and more fruits aren't ripening like they "should" after you buy them.  I don't buy bananas at WinCo because I'll get them on Tuesday, and on Thursday afternoon they're chartreuse in color, with spots all over.  That's just not right!  And peaches?  I don't buy fresh peaches because they go from rock hard to rotten by the pit before you can eat them.  Again, that's not how it should be.  But, I can't afford organic at $1.98/lb, or more, so I wait until canned fruit is on sale for $1 per can and get the slices in pear juice.  No, it's not as good for us as fresh, but it's still a fruit that I'm giving to my kids and they're enjoying.  But, when I'm out of fresh apples and bananas and pears, I rely on raisins.  you can bake them into muffins and quick breads, or into banana bread (gotta do something with those bananas you can't eat!), or send them with the kids in ziploc bags as snacks.  One thing a lot of people do when they're trying to provide a "fruit" is to turn to juice.  I think it's becoming more widely known now that most juice is not a fruit substitute.  There are exceptions.  Personally, I don't like Odwalla brand juices.  But they are healthy.  I LOVE Naked brand juices, and so do my kids!  I'm a fanatic for the Mighty Mango, it's soo good!  But they are expensive.  The best price is to get the 64 oz at Costco for like $6.  Next best price is Target where you can get the 32 oz for $4.65 or so.  They are also addictive, so be warned!  you can make them stretch by making smoothies.  Toss into a blender some vanilla yogurt, some ice, some Mighty Mango and some apple juice (not much) and blend well.  It's so rich and creamy and delicious!  It's a great after school snack or on the go breakfast with a slice of your banana bread.

We eat pasta, rice and potatoes.  Not copious amounts, but a lot.  I was given a pasta machine many years ago and try to use it whenever I can.  Unfortunately, it's not that often.  However when I do use it, it is so worth the mess!!  I buy generic rice at the best price I can find and I have a canister on my counter for it.  (Oddly enough, the canister is labeled "Spaghetti").  I buy pasta that I can't make, like colored rotini or farfalle or manicotti.  When I get mac n' cheese I buy generic!  I won't pay more than $0.50 per box.  There's no reason to!!  And, if you make it the way I do, even the generic is awesome!  When you prepare the noodles, add salt and garlic to the water.  Boil the pasta.  In a container on the side mix the sauce as follows: substitute milk for sour cream (chive sour cream is best) and substitute butter for milk.  It is so rich and creamy and yummy!  Use plain rice and bullion cubes instead of flavored prepared rice boxes.  For the fancy cheesy, broccoli rice...yeah, just buy that one.  I have yet to find a cheese sauce mix in the bulk section that actually turns out when you cook with it.

I spend about $400 per month to keep up my household.  That includes housecleaning stuff, too.  Now, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a "domestic goddess".  I hate folding laundry, and the vacuum is my nemesis.  But I do keep my house up and that does cost money for supplies.  I have a few tricks for saving money there, too.  I get laundry detergent at the dollar store.  I get the kind with the "stain lifter".  I also get my stain removing spray and dryer sheets there, too, as well as kitchen scrubbies and sanitizing spray.  When it comes to toilet paper I buy the big roll, (mega roll doesn't fit well onto the holder when it's a new roll).  If I'm getting 12 big rolls I won't pay more than $10.  And, for paper towels, I won't spend more than $1/roll when buying the combo pack of the 8 or 12 rolls.  Now, I get Charmin toilet paper and Bounty paper towels.  Do NOT get the "Basic" of these items.  They are single ply and although it will cost you less up front, you'll buy more because you'll use more product at each use.  There are times to save, and there are times to be wise.  I've found that with plastic zip bags Target has the best deal with their generics.  And when they have a sale the Ziploc brand are about the same price then, too.  If you use zip bags often, get the Target ones.  The dollar store ones are hard to open, and hard to seal.

We drink a lot of milk.  A lot.  And the boys love chocolate milk.  Often, I can get four half gallons of white or chocolate milk for $5, with a coupon.  That makes sense to do!  But I'll admit, I do buy it at regular price, too!  I'm a pushover!  We also drink coffee regularly, and I'm a coffee snob.  So how do I fit that into my budget?  Yuban!  They have a dark roast and a regular roast.  Their regular coffee in the brown can is really good.  It brews well in a flat bottom or cone filter, both methods brew mild yet flavorful coffee without the burnt or just plain nasty aftertaste of so many canned coffees.  I won't pay more than $9 for a big can of my regular Yuban.  Watch your sales, watch Target for their sales, and I can almost always count on WinCo to have it for between $6 - $8.  I do buy flavored creamers, when on sale, and I also have a collection of Torani brand coffee syrups, which you can get at WinCo or Fred Meyer.  For my friends in areas where coffee does not rain from the sky, you may have a harder time finding the flavors you want, if you can find it at all.  But there are some flavors that are just a must in your pantry.  I recommend everyone have a big bottle of vanilla Torani syrup.  When you or your kid can't sleep well, fix up a nice big cup of vanilla milk and nuke it until it's warm but won't burn your mouth.  It really helps.  And pumpkin spice is another good one to have, in either syrup or flavored creamer.  Get a nice travel mug from the dollar store, put the flavor in, add your coffee and some warmed milk and voila, pumpkin spice latte.  You just saved over $4 by doing it at home, you can reuse the cup and you've got enough flavor for lots of lattes.

Boys will grow up...

We have always said, half jokingly, that Andrew was born angry and in charge.  When he was 1 day old and needed to learn to nurse he had his own ideas about how things would be done and the nurse, myself, Gus and my mother-in-law were baffled as we tried to persuade him.  The lactation nurse actually said she had never dealt with a baby who was as determined and angry as Andrew.  See, he got mad when someone maneuvered his head to position it where it needed to be.  I eventually learned the best technique - let him do it himself.  He was what you would call a "strong willed child" during his late toddler years.  He wasn't defiant or mean or "bad", he has just always had his own ideas of how things should be...on just about everything.  He's such a contrast of ideas; gentle and compassionate with small children/babies and animals, defiant to those who would challenge and test him, filled with righteous indignation over injustice and a strong sense of vigilante justice.  Andrew used to have blond hair that was so light it was white in the sunshine.  Now, it's recently begun to turn a dirty blond/light brown color.  His eyes are like a combination of peanut butter, coffee and honey, and when you talk with him, they convey just that much richness and warmth.  I am not very tall, barely 5 feet, and Andrew is now tall enough to come up to the under side of my nose.  He'll be 10 in May.  He's also built like a brick s#@t house, with broad shoulders, thick strong legs, strong arms and a bit of a tummy.  But, Andrew is also an incredible thinker.  He loves to experiment with things, get his hands in there and really see what's going on.  He's fascinated by rocks, astronomy, marine life, and what things are like when they're wet.  And he loves music.  He's been singing for a few years in the kids choir at our church and although he's shy about being heard, his voice is lovely.  But one thing that I really am trying not to force on him is percussion.  I LOVE percussion, I love the bass line of all music and the combination is just incredible.  When I was pregnant with Andrew I had a big bass speaker in my car and would crank my music and loved it.  One night I turned up my favorite song and Andrew began to kick in time to the drum line.  It was an experience that words can't really express.  All throughout his growing up Andrew has shown remarkable rhythm.  Currently he's involved with a marimba group at his school called Zomba.  During 4th grade, the kids learn about the instruments, how to play them, and some of the music.  During 5th grade they continue to rehearse and learn, but they also get to perform!!  It is such an amazing opportunity and I am so excited for him to be part of it.  I'm excited for him to be involved in something I enjoy that much.  But I also have to make sure my excitement doesn't translate into unattainable expectation for Andrew. 

Over the past year or so, Andrew's body has begun to change and I'm seeing more evidence of testosterone in his actions.  I look forward to seeing the man Andrew will become.  I look forward to seeing what choices he makes for a career, for school, for girlfriends, for a wife...I'm curious to see what he does.  I do know there will be times, just like there already have been, where I see what he's done and just wonder, "What was he thinking?  Was he thinking at all?"  While he's still relatively little, I can ask him, I can redirect him, and I can be actively involved in what the heck he's doing even if I'm not there.  But as he gets older, that changes.  More and more he's doing things that I have no control over or involvement in.  For the most part he makes good choices.  But when he doesn't, he really doesn't.  He has said things, such as wanting to go somewhere new and make a new start, but he just doesn't seem to understand that doing that means actually changing how you react to your world regardless of location.  If you have an anger problem, it's not going to dissolve because you have new people around you.  Those people will eventually push your buttons and tick you off.  You have to learn how to deal with your own feelings and reactions, inside yourself.  You can't just change the scenery.  So I need to teach him this very important fact, and help give him some new tools to help him.  Ideally we would like to get him involved in martial arts that teach discipline and respect for self and others.  But that's about $120/month or so.  We simply do not have that, no matter what we cut or stretch.  So I'm going to call some dojos in the area and find out about scholarships or discounts or anything, and go from there.

Andrew is a truly remarkable person.  He's an incredible gift, not only to me but to so many others, too.  He's my Andy-roo (I promised not to call him that in front of his friends).