I've been having some crazy dreams lately. Last night I dreamt that Gus and I were scientists, and that for some reason we got divorced. But we reunited and I asked him why were divorcing, and we decided that we would go to the attorney and try to cancel the divorce before it went through. But we were too late, so we remarried. Crazy. Gus and I haven't talked about divorce in 7 years.
Before I got diagnosed things between us were really rough. We didn't know that we were both struggling with our own issues. Me with bipolar and Gus with depression. Put the two together, along with the stress of one income, a trying job, graduate school, bills, and everyday life and things reached a boiling point. We fought so much. We would yell at each other, say hurtful things. It was terrible. I still loved him, but it was so difficult to be with him. But I didn't know what to do. I had Andrew, and I didn't think I could make it on my own as a single mom. Then I started receiving attention from someone else and fell for him. This person told me all the things I wanted to hear from Gus but hadn't in so long. It all came to a head and Gus and I had the talk; divorce. We took off our rings. We still shared a home, but it was awkward. We talked some more. Did we really want to walk away from each other? I told him that I loved him so much, but I just couldn't live like we had been, arguing all the time. We agreed to stay together, but committed to changed. We agreed to counseling. It helped. But we still had our problems. We still argued. But we did have our good times. We had a surprise, Matthew. He was the result of our recommitment. And he's been a blessing to us.
Gus was certain that things would change for us when I started taking anti-depressants. They did help, but the problems were still there. So one day he took one of my old ones from a lower dose. He took them for a couple of weeks. We stopped fighting. He relaxed. He told me what he was doing. He got his own perscription. It was wonderful. But I continued to have my own problems. Then I was diagnosed and got my medication in order. We've had maybe a dozen big arguements in 3 years, if that. It's made all the difference in the world. Now when we have a disagreement Andrew gets nervous. We have to let him know that it's normal for people to disagree, but we always work it out, and that's what is important. We still deal with the stresses of life, but now we're a united front. We always say "I love you" whenever we end a phone conversation, except maybe if it's a prickly one, but then we work it out and the "I love you" comes back out. We do things for each other because we want to show the other love. Really, I'm spoiled. But we had to work through a lot to get here. Now we're best friends. I can't think of anyone I'd rather go places with or do things with. I've always loved him. I always will.
God knew what He was doing when He put the two of us together. We're both so stubborn, but we're both so committed. I knew Gus was the one for me 6 months after we started dating. All of our friends started asking us when we were going to get married because it was so obvious we were meant to be together. And I've thought about the other men I dated. Of them all, who would have stuck by me through my issues? Who would have helped me through my dark times? Who would have stayed when I was diagnosed? Of them all I can't think of many. Most of them would have high-tailed it out of there, left me high and dry to fend for myself with a young child and limited skills. But Gus, he stayed. As much as I loved him, he loved me. He didn't want to leave any more than I did. He was just as committed to counseling as I was. He worked with me. He was my shoulder when I felt hopeless. He was my grounding force when I was manic and floundering. He's got his issues, he's not perfect. But he's perfect for me. He's strong, he's hard working, he's honest, he has integrity, he takes care of me and the kids, and he loves his family. What's not to love?