A friend of mine posted a beautiful poem about giving up and turning to God's strength when their strength wasn't enough, when their faith and ability just wasn't enough to carry them through anymore. It was called I Give Up. I understand that feeling. Very well, actually.
When I was younger my faith was strong, but I lead a wild lifestyle that didn't reflect my faith. Now I have a weak faith, but my lifestyle lends itself to believe that I have a strong faith. Incongruous. I used to pray for things and see God's hand at work. I heard His voice speak into my heart. Then I got married and settled down. And things began to happen. We began to have trials and tribulations. I continued to pray, I continued to seek His will. When we were in Denver some pretty awesome things happened. Andrew's conception is a miracle. His birth is a miracle. Then we moved back to Portland and we've experienced so many hardships. It's tested my faith and I've come up short. I've drifted away from Him. A lot of it had to do with my illness. During my bad years I fell away from Him because of my depression. You can't have true saving faith when you don't believe you're worth saving. After I got diagnosed and started medication I just felt numb, one of the effects of antipsychotics. They kind of numb you to the world. They insulate you. After a time, months really, you begin to climb out of the numbness and enjoy life and it's experiences. But I have been wary to reconnect with God. Maybe in my own way I blame Him for my disease. Maybe I blame Him for all the harships Gus and I have had to endure. Maybe I still hesitate because I wonder if I really am worthy of salvation. I feel like I am. I believe in Him, I do have faith, it's just small. I don't scoff at my friends who proclaim their faith in places like FaceBook, but I usually just skim over them. I know what their words are saying, and I understand them. I just don't feel them.
My boys each say Jesus lives in their heart, and that's wonderful to me. And I keep thinking we need to do a nightly devotion together, but it doesn't happen. And I keep thinking, I really should read my Bible, but I don't. Something holds me back. Some of my friends would proclaim loudly that the "enemy" is trying to keep me from getting close to the Lord. What's so special about me that the enemy would keep me from doing anything? I think about the bit in the Bible where it says you only need faith like a mustard seed. And that you can pray that your faith is increased. Maybe I'll do that.